School children are feeling more and more exam stress and anxiety because of the increasing number of assessments in school. NAPLAN has been moved up to March this year, and students in their junior and senior year of high school are already feeling the stress of their upcoming HSCs. In these trying times, parents try to be there for their children, while their own school experiences heavily influence the support they provide.
Sarah Jefferson suggests that, despite its good intentions, this help could contribute to more stress. The latest research doesn’t support the concept of a “preferred learning style” for people, and what worked for you may not be effective for your child. If you become more stressed when your support is not working, it will add to the stress and anxiety your child already is feeling. According to Sarah Jefferson, the most annoying question parents can as their kids is “Why aren’t yo studying?”. Despite popular belief, children are often very skilled at figuring out what works best for them, however they aren’t very articulate in letting others know what they need, leaving parents to figure it out through trial and error.
The researcher also reminds us that exams are not the be-all and end-all of life or education, as is evident from the ongoing discussions among researchers about using standardised testing methods. We have learned from other sources that our current school system is designed around the “average” student, which leaves those who are under- or over-performing in a disadvantageous position.
Sarah Jefferson outlines four strategies for parents to assist their children with dealing with exam stress:
1. Give your children a chance to wind down after school. A brief break of even just half an hour can help to refresh the mind for studying.
2. Be sure to have some backup items handy, like a pen, pencils, highlighters, or a spare charger. It’s hard for a student to focus on the exam when they are freaking out over a misplaced pen.
3. Provide snacks and water. Learning requires a lot of mental energy, and we use up more calories than we think. If a child is hungry, they can become irritable quickly, so it’s wise to feed them before having a discussion.
4. No matter what, let them know you care. We cannot emphasise this point enough. If children experience negative criticism, they may start to doubt your love for them and the longer it takes for this to be addressed, the worse it gets. Exams are still necessary as we have yet to uncover a better way to assess student performance more accurately, but they assess only a brief moment in time. A parent’s love should not depend on a child’s academic performance, and it is essential to make sure children are aware of this. Depending on the child’s age and how close you are, they may respond negatively or feel embarrassed, but all things considered, who doesn’t like to be told they are loved?
Show them you love them no matter what. Photo by Anastasia Shuraeva from Pexels
Another important aspect to consider is motivation. We all think it’s great to be motivated while studying, but it’s often treated like a bonus rather than a vital element that affects learning behaviour. Susan Michie emphasises the importance of motivation as part of human behaviour, alongside capability and opportunity. If you don’t have an opportunity to do something, like hang gliding, it won’t happen no matter how motivated or able you are. We also like to do things we think we are good at and shy away from things we don’t think we are strong in.
Based on their research, Melanie Woodfield and Jin Russell from the University of Auckland have come up with 10 tips to help parents support their teenage student:
1. Motivation fluctuates
Internal and external influences can lead to changes in motivation, even as rapidly as hour by hour. As parents, we can’t directly affect what our children think or feel, but we can influence other things. Creating an atmosphere that is inspiring and encourages enthusiasm is a good beginning.
2. Good foundations
A sound sleep, physical activity, and a proper diet are the base for a healthy learning experience, increasing physical and mental aptitude. With the rise in exam pressure, it can be tempting to cram in extra study hours, causing a decrease in sleep and exercise and an increase in fast food intake. It’s better to be in peak condition for the exam than to cram for a few extra hours; without enough sleep and a good meal, you won’t have the energy to do your best.
3. Balanced thinking promotes capability
When your child has the all-or-nothing mindset of “I’m good at math but I’m bad at languages,” don’t respond with “That’s not true, I know you can do this,” as it will be quickly dismissed. Rather than making generalisations, concentrate on strengths rather than weaknesses. For example, you may remark “Spanish grammar can be difficult, but you managed the recent speaking test alright and your teacher was pleased with the progress you have made since last year.”
4. Focusing on what your child can control
Having high hopes of achieving better grades or winning a prize is great, but we can’t control the result. Our effort is the only thing we can control to get us closer to our objectives. What we are in control of is securing all topics are covered, scheduling when to learn each topic and ensuring the learning is optimised so your child can benefit the most. If done correctly, these steps can not only result in a positive outcome but also lessen stress and anxiety. It is therefore important to praise effort rather than achievement.
5. Remind them of their worth no matter what.
School and good grades are important, but they do not define who they are. Even if your child may find it difficult to stay motivated to learn for a physics exam, it doesn’t mean they are “lazy”, since there may be other factors in play such as perfectionism or fear of failure.
6. Behaviour as communication
It is likely that when your child is angry or irritated, this is not a reflection of you but a display of other emotions, such as anxiety or feeling overwhelmed. Don’t take it personally and instead look at it as a reflection of your child’s feelings. When your child is in an elevated state, it’s rarely beneficial to talk about the root causes. It’s often a better idea to give things a chance to cool off, create a little space, and bring up the topic later in a comfortable atmosphere with the primary goal of just understanding what is happening. When put in a difficult situation, teenagers tend to be less likely to discuss their emotions; however, we’ve found that they deeply want to express themselves and if the right environment is created, they are likely to do so. Staying true to yourself and having a genuine curiosity is key, as teens can detect if someone has a hidden motive.
Anger and irritation is often communicating underlying issues. Photo by Andrea Piacquadio.
7. Worry might have a purpose
Exam stress can be a good way to get motivated, and feeling nervous before the exam can give you a boost of adrenaline. With the right amount of preparation, the fear should go away quickly when the exam starts, and the stress and fear during preparation should not be so overwhelming that it prevents you from studying. Worrying if all topics have been addressed during the learning process is one thing, but letting negative thoughts take over for an hour is a whole other issue.
8. Validate what you can
As a parent, it can be tempting to try to solve any issues your child is having. However, it is often a better approach to first accept the emotion, perhaps by saying that many people would experience the same thing in their situation and that it is totally normal. Allowing your child to go through the emotion will often lead them to a solution. If they appear to be stuck, you could ask if you can help find a resolution, and then you can discuss potential solutions together.
9. Collaborating to solve problems
As stated above, it is essential to involve your child in the search for a solution. This reinforces their sense of self-worth and sharpens their problem-solving skills, so that they are accountable for ensuring the solution is implemented, since it was their own idea. This is a great chance for a parent to bond with their child if they approach it correctly.
10. Acknowledge to create habits
Rewards have proved to be a much more productive way of developing healthy habits than punishments. Encouraging your children for their effort, say after devoting an hour to studying, or giving them slight incentives as recognition of their labour, will contribute to creating a favourable attitude, which persists for much longer than one exam or even a school year. Avoiding punishment is the best course of action, as it is much less effective and can have undesirable consequences in the long term.
Finally, you can help your child develop a special “superpower” that will not only improve their exam scores but also their life after school. This superpower, according to Madeleine Ferrari from the Australian Catholic University, is self-compassion. From a very young age, children take in their own feedback or the feedback of someone else. With competition and comparison to others being so prevalent in our culture, kids quickly become their own worst critic. The criticism is often much harsher and more unforgiving than what they hear from parents, teachers, and especially their peers, amplifying the negatives. This can cause a child to doubt themselves, become less resilient, and experience mental health issues.
Self-compassion allows us to be human and not machines, and look at relatives rather than absolutes. As Madeleine Ferrari explains, imagine a friend you care deeply about sitting next to you in the same situation and consider what advice you would give them. For example, you could say:
“I know this is hard, but you can do this.
Your best is good enough.
This one exam will not define your life, even if you get this wrong.
I still think you’re a wonderful person.”
Now, instead of saying this to someone else, tell it to yourself and really mean it! This is not a way to create any excuses should you not reach your goal. No, this is an attempt to put everything back in the right place when we stop obsessing for a bit. All the above statements are correct. With the right amount of preparation, you can make your goals a reality if you are mindful of what’s achievable. Your best is good enough if you really think about it. An exam won’t be the sole determining factor of your life, even if it’s your last attempt after over a decade of medical school. And you are a wonderful person. These are just a few ideas, and I’m sure there are lots more when you start brainstorming.
Self-compassion is about ceasing to stand in your own way by worrying over details that don’t really matter. It is the path to give yourself a chance at reaching peak performance while keeping your mental health intact. We usually focus on the task ahead, and that is usually a good thing. However, we usually neglect to step back and view the entire picture, such as to just be a wonderful person. For some people, self-compassion comes without effort, while for others, it’s a real challenge to look at things in a more balanced way. Studies appear to back up the idea that self-compassion can be taught and learned, and Madeleine Ferrari has presented five strategies to promote this, for yourself and your children.
1. Check yourself
Before talking to someone else about self-compassion, think about your own. Is it easy for you to recognise when you’re being overly critical of yourself? How do you react when you’re feeling stressed? It is vital to be genuine when you speak about these matters with your kids. Even if it’s challenging, you can still communicate what you would like to achieve.
2. Model self-compassion
Instead of chiding yourself when you make an error, replace your thoughts with something like “I’m upset about this and that’s okay.”. Instead of making a mistake and then letting your anger take over, you will switch to becoming a person who makes a mistake but doesn’t let it affect them too much. And your kids will notice this.
3. Talk about it
We rarely discuss how people relate to themselves, but that’s precisely what this is about. Ask your child what they tell themselves in certain situations, for example during an exam, and the effect this has on them. We usually make a lot of assumptions about why someone does something, yet we rarely ask that person what was going through their mind.
4. Help your children spot self-criticism
An important step for self-compassion is to realise when you are being (too) self-critical. Whenever this behaviour is seen in your child or the topic comes up, explain what is taking place and what the bad results are. Give it a name like “angry voice” and ask your child to think of someone else with the same problem and imagine what advice they would give. We can often recognise the correct approach to take, yet we have difficulty in following our own advice.
5. Give yourself a hug
Despite how it may sound, research appears to suggest that providing physical comfort to oneself, such as hugs and self-soothing touch, can help reduce stress-related cortisol levels. A hug from a trusted source can be comforting, but self-hugging can have a similar effect. So if there’s no one to give you or your child a hug, why not give yourself one?
Give yourself a hug. Photo by hahoussein.
Title photo by Julia M Cameron from Pexels.